First impressions…
Your partner’s parents are scary. It’s just a fact, the first time you meet them you are sweating over every detail, hoping to make a good impression. After that, depending on the person and personalities at play, you want to impress them and have them like you.
They come with the territory
At some point, if you become a spouse, those in-laws are your bonus gift for picking your spouse. They will be with you until death do you part or, something so outrageous happens that your spouse cuts them off.
The latter is a whole other can of worms though and something for another time. Lets talk about how we can make in-laws work and what we can do when no matter what, they don’t.
Make them out-laws
A simple way to make in-laws work in your life, make them out-laws. I have heard too many tales of in-laws being overly involved in the relationship. Another name for them is “Monster in-laws”, due to them causing issues and creating strife. Is there a way to stop this?
Take them out of your relationship. You and your partner are a couple. They are not a part of that couple and they need to know that you two put each other first. You can both communicate and even though you appreciate their input, at the end of the day it is you and your partner, not you, your partner and the parents.
Keep it in-house
The way to make in laws out laws is to create boundaries. Your mother/father shouldn’t be talking crap about your spouse and you should attempt to not talk crap about your spouse to them. Yes we all have vent sessions and issues, but this needs to be dealt with at home, especially for those of us that live far away.
If your parents only hear crap about your partner, they will only think crap and that can become awkward. You need to be a united front.
Without rules…
The best way to show that you two are united is to create rules together and stick to them. You have rules for the rest of your life, right? No caffeine after nine, no dessert before dinner etc. Well maybe have some rules for your in-laws as well. It could be anything from them not showing up unannounced, to not loaning them money, or cosigning on loans.
This is now your life together and you need to discuss what makes you comfortable and what makes you uncomfortable.
Open communication is key
You also need to directly communicate with your partner’s family. Don’t let something happen and then run home and have your spouse deal with it. If you can deal with it, do it. It shows that you are an adult, it creates a line of communication with your partner’s family, it shows that you are your own person and you can stand up for yourself. Most people like it when you don’t hide behind your partner.
No poker face
Don’t be fake. No matter what, you are you. You need to be the most genuine you when you are dealing with other people. Do you want to put on a fake personality for every time you see them? No, no one wants to do that. They will have to accept the you are or there will be problems and those need to be dealt with. This applies to them as well. Some people are crappy. Some are great and many are in-between. Stow away what you want your in laws to be and accept them how they are.
More bees with honey than with vinegar…
Lastly, and most importantly, be kind. It’s hard, I know but try your best. Your parents, by parenting rules have to love you. Your in-laws don’t have to at all. Some in-laws will even hate you. Don’t be fake, but be kind even when you don’t want to be. Cursing, screaming and fighting will get you nowhere but tense drama and awkward Christmas times.
You and your partner are now a family unit. It is wise to remember that. Create, love and stand together whenever you can.
Julia Parsons is an Analyst for Couch Rider Report. Follow her on Facebook and Follow/Like us on Facebook or twitter.