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Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the Five Stages of Grief in 1969, to give us all a reference to the common feelings that people may go through when they lose a loved one. When your partner loses someone, you may be waiting for them to exhibit these emotions, but that isn’t always the case. No two people grieve the same. When attempting to help your partner through their loss, it is important that you take their needs into consideration and what would make them feel best at the time.
- Initial Stage of Loss
I consider this the time that your partner has found out about the passing on of the loved one. This is a time when emotions are running high, and they are feeling shocked and maybe a little bit lost. During this time, it is best to follow their cues. Ask them what they need from you, but do not smother them. Allow them to come to terms that their loved one is no longer there.
- Working through Emotional Reactions
Sadness and crying are common reactions to loss, but some people do not react in that way. Many emotions can be present when working through this time, instead of or alongside sadness such as yelling, anger, depression etc. Your role during these emotional times will be to support your partner, and understand that these feelings are not meant for you or towards you. Make your partner feel safe, when they are expressing these feelings. When your partner is crying to you, the last thing you should say is “Don’t cry”, though you do want them to in fact stop crying. Many people need that outlet, and that is a part of their grieving process. When someone reacts with anger and yelling, the first thing you want to do is be upset, but try not to take it personally and let them know you don’t. This is hard but this is a part of their grieving process.
- Space and time
Allow your partner all the time and space they need to grieve. Each person will grieve on his or her own time, and in his or her own way. Allow your partner the time and space they may need to cope with the loss and feelings that are going through. You may feel that they are not crying enough, or that going out would make them feel better, because it would make you feel better. Let that thought go. Your grieving process and their grieving process will be different. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Try and ask yourself what they want and need.
“Do they need space?”
“Do they want me to hold them?”
“Do they need to run or yell?”
“Do they need to just cry?”
- Communicate
It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to not know what to do. Let your partner know that you don’t know what to do, but you will be there for them when they need you. Clichés help no one. We know that all you want to say is “It will be okay”, but right now it isn’t okay. Your partner will hear “It’s okay” from a million people over the next few months, so try and be genuine.
- Step Up
During this time your partner will have a lot on their plate, depending on how close to the loved one they were. This is your time to step up and help out in a more mundane physical way. Some ways you can do that would be to:
- Help them grocery shop
- Plan the funeral
- Go to houses, banks and other places to fill out paperwork and clean up.
- You may also need to be the spokesperson for the ones who come to them with sympathy.
Many people want to give their condolences during these times and as nice as that may seem, it can be extremely overwhelming for your partner. You can start to reply to the Facebook messages, texts and emails for them. People may mean the best, but they sometimes get very invasive, and that can be triggering for your partner.
- Before, During and After
Before, during and after the funeral your partner will be busy. There are things to do, people to see and lots of stories to tell. During this time it is not only your job to help them but also, be there with the family. During the memorial service people will want to talk to you and share stories. Even if you didn’t know the person well or even disliked them, it is your job to listen and be kind. Do not rush your partner through any of these gatherings. This will likely help them by remembering the person has passed on. If you cannot be calm and supportive because you are “bored”, it will probably be best that you just stay home.
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Julia Parsons is an Analyst for Couch Rider Report. Follow her on Facebook and Follow/Like us on Facebook or twitter.